Trolls – the cumstains on the bedsheets of humanity

Disclaimer: Any similarities in this post to any person living, dead, or monumentally stupid, are enitrely coincidental. All scenarios are generic examples, and anyone who thinks this is aimed at them is a massive, egotistical dick.


Well, it’s been a while i.e. fucking ages since I posted anything, but I’m a great believer in quality over quantity *coughs*

Recently, people who I like and respect have come under “attack” (and I put that in quotes, as to attack usually requires at least an iota of actual strength, either mental or physical) from trolls.  This is clearly unacceptable, particularly if the abuse comes from someone who is a fellow horror blogger on a site that claims to be respectable. So, here are some suggested rules on dealing with trolls.

This is going to be enormous fun 🙂

2nd disclaimer: Many of these tips will only work if your troll is incredibly, George Bush level stupid – y’know the kind of person that you don’t even have to give rope to yet they will still find a way to hang themself.


This is a REALLY important one. Trolls thrive on the oxygen of publicity. If you starve them of this, they will shrivel up and die, as their puny genitals have done before them. Keep a note of all their abusive comments. For example, if you encounter a troll on Twitter, take screenshots of their abusive posts and save them to your computer.  Some of them think they are clever by posting then shortly afterwards deleting the posts, but if you have a screenshot of  it, you can later post a link to it on the public timeline to discredit and expose them.


Eventually, if you follow tip number one, your grubby little troll will get frustrated and start stamping their feet. This, if you play it correctly, is when the fun starts 🙂

When they realise that you are not going to respond or mention their name, their little brains can’t cope and often they get very, very frustrated. This is understandable, as they are generally a frustrated person, sat in their mother’s basement typing away between frenzied masturbation sessions over underwear catalogues. Anyway, I digress…

The really, really stupid ones then post things that could get them in trouble. For example, if you encounter a troll on Twitter, they may post things that are in blatant breach of the terms of service e.g. a person’s personal phone number or address. If they do this, you have them. …and onto point number 3:


There will be a moment after they fuck up and post something inappropriate where you will want to travel to their home, be it next door or 5,000 miles away, and hit them with an axe. This is an entirely reasonable mental response, but should not be acted upon. If, as most of them do as they are not intelligent or respected enough to have their own site, they write for an online site, contact that site and let them know that one of their writers is posting comments that serve only to discredit the site. If the site owner has any self-respect they will take action.

Another thing you can do is check if they have links to any other online sites, or blogger organisations / contests. If they do, contact these organisations with details and evidence of the troll’s actions. The respectable ones will take action. The irresponsible ones will ignore you. They will get their just desserts in time, as revenge is a dish best served cold 😉

Above all, write eloquently and reasonably, and don’t get drawn into abusive comments, and especially not anything libellous. Have evidence, write clearly and maturely, and state your case.

If they post something that breaches the terms and conditions of the site on which they post it, contact the complaints department of that site as soon as possible. Use the screenshots you took earlier, and let them deal with it.


Sometimes, even after they have been forced into an embarrassing climbdown and have apologised to you (if they do this in an e-mail keep it!) they think that they can still make light of the fact that they have been, and still are, a massive arsehole.

This is unacceptable.

If, for example, you encounter a troll on Twitter, send Direct Messages – remember rule number 1, nothing public with the troll’s (user)name – to people who may not realise what a monumental prick they are, letting them know who it is. This is where your friends and followers who you can trust come in to play. Word spreads quickly if required, and a mass unfollowing of a troll can do wonders for the soul 🙂

It is always worth keeping a few spies following them (again, using Twitter as a random example) however, as the REALLY INSECURE ones will still try to message you even after you have made it clear that you won’t mention their name or talk to them.


Remember: at the end of the day, your troll will likely die alone, sad and unloved, wanking into a sock. Don’t get bogged down with it, enjoy your attempts to bring them down, but make sure it doesn’t consume you. They are in some way obsessed with you and desperate for attention and vindication. You on the other hand, are more than likely a decent and valid person, so you have actually already won 🙂

…and that’s all folks – comments welcome, because you can’t be offended by this post. …unless you’re a troll, of course 😉


2 Responses to “Trolls – the cumstains on the bedsheets of humanity”

  1. Ben Says:

    Please excuse the sickening self-promotion, but I thought you might appreciate this, especially since we seem to share the same ultimate dismissal of such persons:

  2. ToxicDeath Says:

    have to agree with your comments and I am fortunate enough to not have been on the receiving end of anything as trollish as this so i count myself lucky. And thanks to you O now know how to deal if I get involved with one.

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